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"But the rower's keep on rowing! And they don't show signs they're slowing!"
Little
orange faced midget bastards, malevolent candy manufacturers, spoiled
children meeting untimely demises....No, this isn't a Nick Palumbo
movie, this is "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". Think 'Hostel'
for the 'tween set.
Ok, I for one would like to come forward and
say that I feel Wiily Wonka is the scariest mo-fo to come along since
Jason Voorhees or Leatherface. He is like the dude who sits on street
corners asking little kids for directions he doesn't need, bribing them
with candy.
Willy Wonka is a cold blooded child killer. Only on
a much bigger and elaborate scale. Instead of a car and a newspaper he
works with a candy factory and golden tickets. Golden Tickets to win
the opportunity to come meet HIM. Throughout the movie, Willy and his
half-pint soldiers of death show no mercy.
And what about when
the group is away from that all you can eat buffet of sugar and are
making their way through the tunnel? You know things are going to get
real fucked up, real fast. With all the 60's acid trip psychedelic
lights flashing, Willy changes gears and becomes one crazy mo-fo. It's
as if he's saying "Your in my world now bitches and your all fucked!"
The rest of the movie flows on, killing off the children one by one.
At
the end Willy assures us the kids are OK but you just know they aren't.
Are we going to believe a guy who would lodge a fat kid through a tube?
And, hey, that kid with the cowboy hat seemed like an OK little guy.
That little prick Charlie, needing to believe the lies. His reward?
Learning the in and outs of the "Chocolate Factory" and inheriting the
Factory of Death when the time is right. He shares Willy's blood lust!
Why
was Charlie chosen? because he can keep a secret, the whole everlasting
gobstopper drama was proof of that. And he is loyal, why? Charlie is so
desperate to get his family out of the cold water flat they live in
that he will do anything, even keep quiet. You can't have a group of
sickly old people sharing a bed, well you can if your into geriatric
porn, which I am, but that's a whole other article.
I remember
watching 'Willy Wonka' with my parents who were both grinning off and
on throughout the movie. I remember thinking even as a child 'You evil
beings, WHAT the hell are you smiling about?' I had seen a lot of
horror movies as a child but a movie with a likable child killer who
made parents smile? What fresh hell was this?
Anyway, the whole thing gives me the creeps...now where did I put that Wonka bar?
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