I went up to Connecticut for the week of Thanksgiving to hang out with family and friends and, while there, I checked in on my old friend Andy at his video store. Andy has owned a video store since the Mesozoic Period and when I lived in CT in the 80’s, Andy and I got together all the time for Geek Speak. Now, I don’t mean talk about copping an under-the-bra feel (that’s Nerd Speak) or arguing about if The Thing would beat Hulk in a fair fight (that‘s Fan Boy Speak) – no, I mean stuff about Hitchcock and Argento… Herbert West and Ash… Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things and Motel Hell… you know, Geek Speak. Anyway, while we were trying to debate important issues, the conversation inevitably came around to that age-old question; Do you put Psycho II in the Alfred Hitchcock section because it was the sequel to a Hitchcock movie? After literally seconds of intense debate, we decide that Andy should leave Psycho II where it is now… on the dusty floor behind the poster rack.

With that world-altering decision out of the way, our chat turned to the steaming pile of bat dung that is 1998’s "Re-Envisioning" of Psycho. At least I think that’s the term Gus Van Sant used. I can’t remember exactly because I don’t pay attention to anything that comes out of his mouth.

So, I say to Andy, "Hey, man, what the f*$% is up with the cow?"

"What cow", Andy replies?

And that’s when I realize that Andy doesn’t know about the cow! Andy, who is a stinking genius when it comes to movies, has no earthly idea what in the blue hell I’m talking about. I further realize that a whole buttload of people don’t know about the cow. Damn, you don’t even know about the cow, do you? Do you???

From that point on, my life mission became stunningly clear – Warn People About The Cow!

I’m not going to waste valuable space telling you what a massive stinkburger Psycho ’98 is. I mean, you can’t really call it Van Sant’s Psycho. He directed the freakin’ movie from Hitchcock’s storyboards. He had a copy of the DVD on the set so he could check the original against his crapfest. Now, if a director [and, in this case, I use the term loosely] uses another director’s storyboards and shoots a movie almost shot-for-shot the same as the original, who really directed the movie? Let’s face it; Hitchcock said many times that his directing took place in his head, months before the film began to roll. So, since Gussy used what Hitchcock came up with, I guess ol' Hitch must have directed this one too… well, except for the cow! [I’m getting to the cow.]

The original Psycho has tons of famous scenes. Many shots stick in one’s head. Two of the more-famous are Arbogast’s death on the stairs and, of course, the shower scene. Shall we take them one at a time? We shall.

What makes Hitch’s shower scene so memorable? Actually two things. We all take showers, with the possible exception of Sandra Bernhard, and we all feel vulnerable in the shower. In most cases, there’s nowhere to run if a knife-wielding maniac is stabbing you repeatedly. It is claustrophobic and Hitch was smart enough to keep all of the shots in the shower, tight. He’d never do anything to take the viewer out of that claustrophobic atmosphere. Especially something so stupid as to show storm clouds – thus bringing the moviegoer outside into the wide gray yonder. Well, Gussy did. Check it out! There are shots of storm clouds interspersed with shots of his shower scene. Oh, yes… that’s stupid but he didn’t stop there, kiddies. Nope. Sure as Harlan Ellison is as crazy as a soup sandwich, ol’ GVS did something dopier than storm clouds during the shower scene. [Okay, I’m getting to the friggin’ cow already!]

This brings us to Milton Arbogast’s death. Most of us have taken a dive down a flight of stars at least once in our lives. Some of you might even have been sober when it happened. But few of us do it right after being stabbed and even less of us have gone down backwards! Can you imagine how painful that must be? When I saw Martin Balsam headin’ down to the first floor, in the original, I kept hoping he’d catch his balance and run like Hell, out of that house. I mean, he seemed like a standup guy and I didn’t even want to think about the head-smack he’d take when he hit the bottom. So, I was rooting for Arbogast like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately, for him, there wasn’t. [Cow alert!]

Now, while watching the great William H. Macy do the same scene, it was tougher to concentrate on his inevitable plight. Why? Well, I guess I was distracted. By what, you ask? Why, the COW, of course!!! What, you missed it? Then I suggest you pick up your drink, grab the Psycho ‘98 DVD you’ve been using as a coaster, slap it in your player, cue up the Arbogast-buys-the-farm scene and look closely. You’ll see it. Right after the knife makes the second slice on Arbogast’s eye, GVS inserts a shot of a cow on a rain-slick road. Way to take ‘em outta the game, Bubba! I’m pretty sure if you did manage to catch the cow shot, you were too busy thinking, "What the f*$%!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" to give any kind of a rat’s ass about Arbogast, world peace or anything else for that matter. Be warned; once you’ve seen the cow, you’ll never see Arbogast’s death again. No matter how used to it you get.

So, now you know about the cow and it is important that you pass on what you know about the cow to folks who might not be as "in the know" as you are. Dear friends, it is imperative that you do everything in your power to preserve all rental copies of Psycho ’98. That’s right… preserve them. I don’t want anything to happen to those DVDs. They need to last a good long time. You see, the reason we have history books and documentaries, and the reason we leave death camps standing is so that no one will ever forget and commit the same despicable acts again! And for that reason alone, every video store shelf in the world should sport a copy of the Psycho ’98 DVD. You catchin’ my drift?

D’Entre les Morts,

Rich

PS: As Andy and I were talking about this, I showed him the cow on the video monitor in his store. A customer who was in on the conversation took a look and told me that, to him, it looked like a goat. Should this "thing" ever be proven to be a goat instead of a cow, my point still stands; WHAT THE HELL IS LIVESTOCK DOING IN PSYCHO?