Okay, I feely admit it – I’m a Deleted Scenes whore. You tack a few delete scenes or alternate endings onto a movie – even one I can’t stand – and that DVD ends up in my collection faster than feces through a mallard! I am eternally optimistic when it comes to deleted scenes from crappy movies. It is always my hope that a few extra feet of celluloid will take a vat of viscid mucous, like Children Of The Living Dead, and somehow magically transform it into a cinematic masterpiece. You know what? In the history of film, it’s never happened.

DVDs are always proudly boasting of their restored footage, deleted scenes, alternate endings, etc. You know, the enticing claims of "versions you’ve never seen." Imagine my shock and delight when I finally got around to picking up Universal’s Collectors Edition of The Birds and noticed the words Deleted Scene in the Specials Features list. Now, imagine my shock and disgust when I realized that the deleted "scene" was nothing more than a few stills from a scene that was never shot. Now, Universal knew this was wrong. If I took some of the Universal execs into a screening room and told them I wanted to show them a few "scenes" from a movie they had just spent money on and then proceeded to show them a friggin’ slideshow, I suspect they’d be a tad on the miffed side. So, what made them think I’d be okay with it?

But I’m just being bitter – I actually have a point to make.

I can’t wait till that glorious day when Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers is released on Special Edition DVD. I know what you’re wondering; Why? For God’s sake, why? Because dear readers, back in 1995, Fangoria printed an article in which the writer of this crapfest stated that Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers was a great screenplay and a terrific movie before it was edited to death. If we all could just see the print that he saw, we would hail it the Citizen Kane of horror… or some crap like that. (Hell, he’s still boasting about his screenplay at conventions!) The next thing you know, this legendary cut of Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers rocketed from a simpleton’s story to something roughly akin to modern mythology. Suddenly, on the convention circuit and online auction sites, Halloween 6: The Producer’s Cut became horror’s Holy Grail. Maybe some of you have it. I do, along with that legendary screenplay. (What a stinkburger!) Well? Is there one of you that actually thinks that these long-talked-about missing scenes turn Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers from doody to diamonds? I thought not. Sure, it makes the film the slightest bit more coherent but only because Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers, as released, couldn’t have been less coherent. Hell, lighting the negative on fire would have had the same effect. And those of us who bought this gray market mess-terpiece, back in the 90’s, were left with little more than a low-end blank tape, on which to tape Buffy The Vampire Slayer reruns, to show for our hard-earned twenty or thirty bucks. When the Special Edition DVD of Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers is finally released, the world will know what the rest of us have known for years – that all the deleted scenes in the world can’t fix the unfixable. The problems with Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers can be placed solely on a bad script, bad direction and bad acting, with the exception of an ailing Donald Pleasence. And anyone who tells you any different is out-and-out bullshitting you.

The sad part is talk of legendary cuts and deleted gems won’t fade anytime soon. Director Rick Rosenthal still won’t talk publicly about his cut of Halloween 2 – the one that was supposedly so lacking in suspense that John Carpenter had to shoot new scenes and reshoot others. As you know this is the same guy who helmed Halloween: Resurrection – the one that was, again, so lacking in suspense that reshoots were needed. Well gang, I can personally vouch for those much-needed reshoots. Because I’ve seen and earlier cut of Halloween: Resurrection – back when it was called Halloween: The Homecoming - and, believe it or not, it was indeed worse than Halloween: Resurrection! No, I’m not yanking your collective chain. Before it was sent back for reshoots, the most recent sequel to Halloween was so devoid of suspense that it made Dude, Where’s My Car? look like a nail biter. So if, God forbid, Halloween: Resurrection ever hits DVD as a Director’s Cut, - including, of course, Deleted Scenes - you can count on one thing and one thing only… a snorefest of epic proportions.

With Blu-Ray and HD having a make it or break it holiday season, the studios are going to do their best to insure that the phrase "Deleted Scenes" remains a permanent part of our psyche. As the Frenchman said in the pilot for MillenniuM; "You can’t stop it." 

D’Entre les Morts,

Rich