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One night a new guy friend and I decided to watch a low budget 70's
movie called DEATH GAME. For those of you who haven't seen the movie
it's, well, a little different. Two sexy blonde chicks show up at this
guy's house and basically turn psycho on him. After it was over my
concerned pal turned to me and said, "Weird...You're not into stuff
like that, right?” At first I thought he was kidding but he looked
completely serious. He was looking at me like I was some sort of femme fatale.
My
first instinct was to say, "Why yes, I am totally into male torture and
humiliation! This was just my way of approaching the subject with you.
Now that the ice has been broken come with me so I can show you my
collection of testicles!" BUT I resisted the urge and simply said, "Um,
no. It's only a movie". I have never had much luck with horror movie
partners in my life. Oh, they try. They make an effort to see a certain
movie because they know it's something I enjoy seeing but I have found
over the years that people do judge you a bit and even look at you
differently by the DVD's you have in your collection.
Friends
have a variety of reactions after or even before they have seen a movie
with me. With SESSION 9, which is pretty tame by most standards, I was
met with "Man, how can you have that movie in your house?" MY BLOODY
VALENTINE was cut off right at the pass before it even had a chance to
touch the DVD player by a disgusted friend who exclaimed, "Can't they
just leave the holidays alone?!!" After watching THE DESCENT a friend
cried, "Oh, great! Another happy ending at Janet's house!!"
I
don't trick my friends either; they know what they are getting. It
isn't like I tell them we are watching OLD YELLER and I spring LAST
HOUSE ON THE LEFT on them. I mean, those girls were basically stuck in
a deep hole with cave-dwelling monsters. How did you think it was going
to turn out? Here's the thing: sometimes Bruce Willis doesn't burst in
with a bungee cord, cut-up feet and a gun to save the day. Sometimes,
as in life, stuff just doesn't work out. If you are truly sensitive to
it and its OK if you are, simply sit tight and wait for the next Pixar
movie to be released.
Do you have friends who are like this? If you do, I have compiled a short list of movies to avoid watching with them.
1.
MURDER SET PIECES (2004) Yeah, this is one of those movies that "goes
there". Your sensitive movie partner may not like the cannibalism,
sexual humiliation, decapitation, rape and about 437 other things that
really shouldn't be digested all in one sitting. My friend Randy was
actually curious and game enough to watch this with me. But soon it
became a big roundtable discussion about how he just wasn't buying the
killing style of The Photographer. This is an actual conversation we
had DURING the movie:
Randy: "So his neighbors can't hear the screaming?"
Me: "Well, he seems to have some type of dungeon set-up happening."
Randy: "OK, but nobody sees the endless parade of strippers and hookers that go into his house but don't ever come back out?"
Me: "It's at night and it is, after all, Las Vegas. Just go with it."
Randy: "I don't know, I'm not buying it."
Me: (Sigh)
This
was the same guy who watched Tommy Lee Jones kill aliens with Will
Smith in MEN IN BLACK, laughing through the whole thing, clapping
gleefully like a mental patient. But with MURDER SET PIECES it was
soooo hard for him to suspend reality.
2. FUNNY GAMES (1997)
Now seriously, look at me, under NO circumstance should you ever watch
this Michael Haneke classic with anyone who gets upset easily. Did your
friend get emotional when Chris Daughtry got voted off of "American
Idol"? Then avoid watching this with them. In my defense I went into
this movie blind, which is what you SHOULD do. But someone should have
told one of my chick friends what to expect. I won't give away the
ending or any story details but after a most disturbing and pivotal
scene in the movie she began to cry hysterically and we had to turn the
movie off. Yeah, just enjoy this one on your own.
3. ANY
"Extreme" Asian Horror Movie...Do you want to sit there for hours
comforting friends while you tell them that, yes, those were aborted
fetuses in the dumplings or, bingo, that guy just cut out his own
tongue? Yeah, I know it looks real but it's not. Don't even go there
with them, avoid!
4. LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972) I made the
mistake of watching this one on IFC years ago with a sensitive friend.
I had, of course, heard and read many things about this movie but I
basically went into it not fully knowing what to expect. Unfortunately,
so did my movie partner Jack. I've never seen a grown man watch a movie
through his fingers before while moaning, "Oh no!...Oh NO!" but I have
to admit it was kind of cute. Not that you can actually enjoy a movie
like this but it quickly became a game to see if I could deal with my
own reactions to what we were seeing AND his. After awhile though it
became almost unbearable to hear Jack say things like, "I bet that
actor has really killed people!" while covering his own mouth in an
effort to not barf.
5. Any Italian Horror Movie...Unless your
sensitive friends are into vicious dog attacks (SUSPIRIA), great
endings where everyone dies, even the girl who you think is going to
make it (HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD) or chicks barfing up their internal
organs (CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD), then it is best to avoid these types
of movies with your queasy chums.
Those are just a handful of
films to avoid with certain buddies but there are many, many more. I'll
revisit more of them from time to time with you. Until then, go out and
enjoy one of these classics by yourself! Better yet, how about with
me? I'll be over in 20 minutes.
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